Linosaur

Loves to love..

2010-05-19T17:03:00.000+02:00

But again my brain ghosts starts to spook me.

Dont want anyone els, your the one I really love with all my heart but your love feels so far away and your mouth laugh more at me then with me, your words are not filled with cuteness and fluffy clouds like mine =P I often put a filter on my self, so I wont feel stupid when I tell you how much I like you. You love me in your way but sometimes I wish you loved me like I love you <3

You have my heart and soul babe.

Oooopsie!

2010-05-17T15:03:00.000+02:00

Oh holy goat, time just did a speed race and updates were not made forever here =P

I sometimes read stuffs online that makes me feel good about my self. Selfish ppl that just care about them self and not their child/children. Have written before that I'm not the best mother around but it does feel good to know that I'm far better then Allot of other ppl ;)

Tim has now gotten his diagnose (ADHD and Autism) and it feels good to have it on paper so I now got legal rights for him to get more help. Buuuut when I finally got the papers after all this years it felt like I hit a wall of "Omfg what now?!" I have been fighting for this for so long and now I don’t know what to do with it hahaha silly world.

What about my self then exept for beeing a mother of a wonderful and exiting son.

Struggling a bit with getting help for my self and I find my self in the same position as above with Tim, I got a diagnose now (ADD) but erm what the hell to do with it O.o Where do I turn, do they turn to me, what rights do I got now, can I get the help I want now or do I have to wait for something else to happen... bleh!
All papers and websites are made for fucking geniuses with doctors education, I don’t understand a single bit of it >.<
My goals now is to try and make em give me a 75% work somewhere and have 25% assistance payment for Tim since he still will have a lot of meetings and doctors appointments to attend I know I would feel bad against a employer to have to leave early several times a week, but if I got a 75% work I can book meetings for Tim after my work has ended =) *thumbs up*
I want to have this work thing fixed before the summer has ended, I'm so uber tired of being home and not have anything to do... some ppl might find it silly for me to say that but seriously I don’t got money to do anything fun so all I do is sit at home and do Nothing... to be doing nothing gets boring Really fast!

The sun is shining on to our city again and Woho it's so nice! At this moment Tim is getting dressed at school to start walking home so I'm going to pack my blanket and cold drinks and go and meet him ½ way then go to a park and sit in the sun and just enjoy that it's warm and nice outside.
Sun block on *check*. Cheating son doesn’t need it, he is already all brown and fanzy looking... couldn’t he have given me Sooome of his pigments while being in my tummy... just a tiny bit!? Sneaky basterd!! ;P

*huge huggles to ppl who deserve it*
(yea prolly got like 10000000 spelling errors here but don’t got time to check it atm since I'm going Out now)

Form of happyness?

2009-11-11T19:46:00.002+01:00

In what shape and coulor does happyness come in?
I would really like to know so I know what to look for, since I havent found it yet I might miss it as it passes by.

Life likes to piss in my footstepps it seems.. Atm I think I'll just jump and hope I land in a better spot.

Tired like mad on my life that seems to be ticking but I do not notice it.. I'm floating around and nothing happens. Living my days of just hoping they passes fast so I can go to sleep and another day of this life is over and done with.

Things really doesnt get better with the fact that I have close to no money and I dont have a coat for the winter because I lost mine sometime ago.. dont know when >.<
My right shoe has a hole under it so when it gets wet outside I get a nice cold swimmingpool in it \o/ fucking Awsome!

Negative thoughts *check*

Think I'll go take a bath now and atleast be happy with that I will no longer freeze indoors, until I go out of the bath that is =P

*rawrs*!!!!!

Lina: Over and out *bites*

Update time.. I guess?!

2009-08-31T18:38:00.000+02:00

The trip to England was nice, the wedding was oh so cute and met alot of really nice people while I was there.
Got to walk around a bit, se lovely places and the Sun was shining all the time I was there =D woho!

I got my self some uber sexy flyingsocks (grand mom style) that helped \o/ so my feet/leg was not totaly destroyed this time from flying.

Travel to england from skavsta to where I was going took around 12 h >.< was Kind of dead when I returned home around 03 in the night..

Had a sms from Alexandra on my phone, telling me that she had done some changed to my flat and that she hoped I would not get angry.

This made me a bit nervous as I putted my key in the lock here at home... but I found my home to be totaly cleaned, they had redone all wires in the flat, decorated Tims room, went to IKEA and got lots of cute stuffs to his room (including 54!!! froggs that now lives on his doors in his room haha).
Words can not describe how much it ment to me what they did... It was the kindest and nicest thing Anyone ever done to me <3

Me and Tim have a new cat.. it is Tims cat (sort of =P) he named her Elise and she is soooo sweet and cuddely! She likes to lick my face when I sit infront of the computer (while sitting on my keyboard) when she isnt licking my face she likes to hunt my mount or anything that moves on the screen =P
She sleeps next to me during the nights and has a tiny tiny voice ^.^ It's love!

This weekend that was I got invited to go on a cruice and it was really nice and fun... hillarious ppl was on the boat and I laughed alot!
Horrible pictures of me is ofc included as a punishment *nods* Ppl shouldnt be allowed to take pictures of anyone but them selfs =P

*huggles*

A little update on what happend since last time =)

Time to go to England!

2009-08-09T14:51:00.003+02:00

Woho!! Now it is only like 1 ½ days left until I go to england :P

Will leave my appartment at 5 in the morning on tuesday /wrists and travel first to Nyköping to take the Ryanair flight to Burmingham then trains to get to Sheiffield.

Is gonna be picked up at the trainstation by someone nice ^.^
I'm just a Tiiiiiny bit exited *bounces*

Atm I'm trying to do everything at once and fail totaly O.o

What I need to do is....

* Kitchen = Hell and needs some serious cleaning >.< * Livingroom = Tim and Murv's hell but they are not there to fix it so me needs to take controll over the demons in there to... * My room = Put new bedthingys in the bed so its nice and clean when I get home (Done!) * Vaccume the entire flat + and wash floors.. is the easy part =P * Packing... Made list for my self, but Tim talked to me so not sure I got everything on it >.<>..<>

<3>

Mixed

2009-07-20T02:09:00.002+02:00

In a blender. Round and round it goes. Up and down all the time.

Somedays I feel fine, even Happy. Mostly I feel like Shit, but tries anyways.

Get to sleep and manage to work a day then find my self not sleeping more then a few mins here and there the next, drained of energy to do anything.

Someone really close to me is slipping away... I miss you and this breaks my heart and makes me feel lonly.

Happy heart, sad body and a brain that sais maybe. At nights I sometimes gets to dream nice things, then the nightmares return.

Next week I will fix things...

I need to sleep to not look like I'm using drugs on my new passport.
I need to cut and colour my hair so I dont look like crap.

I need to go and get a nice material to make a dress for the wedding I'm going to in August.

I need to call and see WTF is going on with Tims school situation because it's now in the middle of July, school starts in less then a month and he doesnt have one yet... since the school he went to say they cant take him.

There is alot of other needs I have but they are inside of me and I dont want to share them with you...

I need You!

I Love You

2009-07-04T18:27:00.005+02:00
So very few ppl are allowed close to my heart at this point in my life.

I keep you like my treasures and I love you to death, so it really breaks my heart when I find you slipping away from me.

It happens everytime so I should not be supriced and it should not hurt this much, I should be used to it by now?
When you find a new love I fall in to the zone of non existing. But now you know I'm in a very bad state of mind and still you do the same with forgetting me.
Ofc you can make other plannes, ofc you might change your mind and want to se me another day but is it to much to ask that you actually call me and tell me that the plannes were changed, or atleast send a text to my phone or skype =(
Your my nr 1 person in this world <3 your a part of my foundation and the only one I'm happy to call my famely (even though your really not by blood).

Ah well I guess it's only to wait it out... I want you to be happy and I am happy that you found someone that makes you feel really good.
That seems to treat you the way that you deserve, because you deserve the best and nothing els!

It's really good that I allso have someone that makes me smile and tells me that I'm not allowed to be sad.
Makes me forget the pain inside and keeps my brain filled with nice thoughts =)

I will go to England in August =D I have been promised to be well taken cared of but I'm still scared and nervous and it will only get worse the closer it gets ^.^

Okey so now I need to eat ... I havent done that today yet. Havent sleept today eighter more then a few mins at the time from around 6 this morning to now...

The final words of my update on this blog that I really forget from time to time is ...

I miss you but I'm happy that you found love, I just wish I could be there to share it with you a little <3
I love you for getting me to smile, putting nice thoughts in my head and keeping me company <3

<3<3

I miss you!

2009-05-02T12:24:00.006+02:00

Your slipping true my fingers and I find my self feeling more and more on my own without any love around me.

The sun is shining but in my heart a cold wind is blowing, I need you and I dont want to loose you =(
Spend my days outside to try and distance my self from all of my thoughts, but it's hard and it doesnt get better with time ... my mind still wander off your way and the tears soon fall again.
I love you I really do. Do not think you know how much or care for that matter.
Soon it will be time to let you go if we can not change this around ... it's not good for me that you do not show me attention anymore, love, time ... I need that!

Time to recharge my self again ... out in the sun with me and put the radio on and try and make my thoughts drown in the words of good wrighters.

<3

Happysaur

2008-11-05T19:43:00.004+01:00

It is the middle of the autumn I find my self sitting here smiling to my self. Not something I normally do this time of year, normally I would be laying under my quilt with a sad face and depression hanging over me like a dark cloud.
Like I wrote last time here in my blog I was then scared of this dark months of the year and I was wondering how I would get passed without someone at my side *smiles*

But…. Haha *looks silly and blushes* Someone is at my side, Someone very kind and just mmmm . I haven’t been treated good for a long time and I almost had lost hope of finding love again… and here I find my self missing you and the way you make me feel.

I got a text on my phone this morning that made me put on a goofy smile for the rest of the day ^.^ and when you called me just to tell me that you really like me a lot = OMG I cant remember anyone doing that to me (except maybe Alexandra).

Had a lovely weekend where I was spoiled with attention and I can only say that I miss you to.

Slowly

2008-09-30T16:20:00.001+02:00

My life is atm a organised chaos.

Think I’m finding my way back with baby steppes. Slowly working towards the goal of a happier life for me and my son.

Seeing a zillion ppl that want to “Help”, if I wanted there help I would ask for it. It feels like they are just there to try and push me down again… But I put on that smile they want and I do what they expect from me and hope it will soon be over so I can start to live MY life without there “help” or presence.

The autumn is here with it’s bright colours, lovely as they are I fear the winter and the darkness it brings closing in a bit to fast… I hope I manage to get my self in some shape before it’s here. With non to give love to and get hugs from, in the dark and the cold, I need to be stronger.

Why on Earth is it so hard to find someone to love?! Is it me or my ghosts in the closet that is making this so hard…

Need someone to warm up my behind when winter arrives *lol* some of you know how Cold it gets.. it’s not good. Maybe just get another cat?

Other news that are not this gibberish above are that my move to a own place here in Stockholm is closing in.Six weeks from now I’ll get the keys to a 3 room flat *happy dance*.

My wallet is crying since I seem to find stuffz for it Everywhere haha ^.^ but It’s important for me that our new home will be nice and cozy.
Yesterday me and Tim went to Kista and the Indiska store, fixed curtains for the kitchen \o/.
Now we have every important thing except a sofa =)

Going to lay down in my bed now and read a book, with the autumn my passion for reading has kicked in again and I find my self reading my mothers books one after one… I miss my books, soon soon soooooooon I can lay my hands on them again, and you will all se less of me =P

*huggles my friends close and enjoy your body heat* <3

So here we are

2008-07-29T13:37:00.001+02:00

My home is now moved.

Me and Tim lives in Stockholm in a rather large house, atm by our selves since my mother and her man is away for some weeks \o/
Friday started with me and my mom packing as much as we could. Saturday I had the laundry room from 8 in the morning to the morning after, when not doing laundry we were packing and organising more boxes.
On the Sunday my brother arrived at around 11 something and we started moving all the stuff in to a HUGE truck, everything fitted in it and woooosh away to Stockholm we went.
The truck did not have AC and it was 32 degrees in the shade = Fucking hot in the sun!
At 13 something we arrived at my moms home and the unloading went really smooth =)

Since I came here I have spent most of my time in the sun on the balcony relaxing.
Night time we had bbq and again relaxing =P

Atm I’m on my way soon to se my very best friend, then we will go to one of the large shopping centres that are close by and get our self’s a nice wine to drink this evening and something to eat, all I can think is Gief more bbq stuffs =P

Last night I had the most wonderful dream *purrs*
Your bluegreen eyes (that looks like a tropical water sparkling in the sun) looking in to mine, your smile and your muscular body with that sweet tan of yours in my hands. Loving hugs, honest smiles, tender kisses and our eyes just looking to one anothers.. it was just Cute and lovely.
Must be like soon 12 years something since I saw you and we never had anything going on and never will have but tonight you repaired a part of my soul with your presence. For some hours, even though it was only a dream and something that will never happen, I felt liked and possible loved by a nice person.
Your name is Nicolas and I don’t even know where you live anymore, it doesn’t matter really ^.^ your kiiiind of old now haha ;)
I will keep you as I remember you from when you were around 25 isch and I was just a tiny little girl,

Some day in the future I will stop playing the game of pain and hopefully find a man that likes me and treats me right.
I’m sick and tired of all the fucktards out here in this world that only care about them self’s and non els.
People say it’s there loss.. but it sure doesn’t feel that way when you get let down every single time!? Why does people have such a hard time loving others then them self?

The land of sheep’s

2008-07-23T03:41:00.005+02:00

Been away for five days in England, between the 16-21th july. Started our trip here from Nyköping Wednesday evening, went with the very very blue plane again from Skavsta airport to Liverpool, when we landed in Liverpool Tim was there to se us at the airport and guild us to Manchester =)
He fixed a lovely dinner and I got to taste strawberry beer and to my surprise it was very tasty so tasty that I will se if its possible to order it to Sweden hehe, not that I drink often but if I do it must be something I really like.

The day after we went in to central Manchester and had lunch and some drinks with Sarah and Jasper, very nice to se the crazy persons irl ^.^ *loves*

After a nice meal we went to the train station to try and find a Fredric that was arriving from Holland, fast hugs with Sarah and Jasper before we had to jump on a train and begin our trip to Wales were we were to spend the next days in Tims house.

Several hours later and me sleeping in strange positions we arrived at Wales and what was the first thing you se? SHEEP'S!!!! Everywhere sheeps, fluffy cute monsters! (Yes yes I know we have sheep's in Sweden buuuuut they were just so many and so cute and so close)
So the 4 of us started walking to Tims house, we saw it from the train station up on a little hill.. that Little hill on the other hand was the evilz, almost killed me it did *nods* god I’m so happy I will start to workout soon.
The house was so pretty and cute! After sometime the other 4 persons arrived, Chris, Sarah (another Sarah aka Mirrain), Andrew and “Sapkira” (cant remember your name atm since my brain went to bed some hours ago).

The 8 of us spended our days with relaxing, eating Really good food, drinking, playing Munchkin Cthulhu, giggeling a lot, scaring the locals, spending way to much money in the little store on cakes and random good stuff.
We did some walking outside aswell hehe =P
I on the otherhand was laying in bed when the major trip was taken with huge tummy pains, that sucked major balls! But I was friendly with the bathtub and the bed for some hours instead while they were torturing there bodies haha.

Could have stayed there forever and ever it was really so nice and just perfect in everyway.

Hope this is something we will do again ^.^

Oooooh and when we arrived back in Manchester I got to se my favourite Paul also, this made the trip even more perfect!

He had some Salt and Vinegar crisps for me haha =) we don’t have that flavour in Sweden and it sucks because it’s the best *nods*
A movie for little Tim aaaand a CD for me that I had forgot, made me very very very happy!
But mostly to get a hug (or several haha) was the best part *huge huggles*

<3

Arrrrgh?!

2008-07-11T13:53:00.001+02:00

Don’t think I’m sad at this point I feel mostly angry.

Though this morning I had thoughts so dark and disgusting while lying in my bed. Will never tell anyone about those, they were mine and mine only.

Atm I’m in Major pains and I wright as a try to focus my pains away, used to pain, for years now I had to deal with this tummy pains that would make a normal person break down in tears and despair.
*Takes slow and deep breaths*

My next trip to England is closing in \o/ the 16-21 th this month I’m off to Wales! Something nice to focus on =)
When I get home it will be time to pack all stuffs up in boxes and prepare for moving to Stockholm, this is done with very mixed feelings but what the hell..

Things can’t really get that much worse, maybe a different kind of hell but I been there for so long that *shrugs* doesn’t feel like it matters no more what I do stuff goes there anyways.

Sooooo If you want a date with me I’ll se you in Hell? *passes out invitation cards*

*Is at this point a bit hyper on adrenalin from tummy pains*

I’ll go and get coffee now instead lol

*kisses*

Dance

2008-07-05T19:50:00.001+02:00

Of the Moon and the Sun

Late this night the moon and the sun had a long dance.

When the sun exploded in feelings so negative and self hating that the eclipse was almost a fact.

The calm beautiful moon rice’s and takes control over the situation, with caring words of true honesty.

Words to soothe, inspire, comfort, boost and kick in the ass.

Telling the sun that it needs to shine again, the world would not want to miss out of the light it brings with it’s smile.

So here I am and I made you a promise that I intend to keep.

At this time in the day I’m really broken and tears fall down my chins, hopelessness, emptiness and despair fills my very essence. Trying to collect the broken pieces of my self again.
Don’t get me wrong it is a good thing. I need to open up from time to time and every time I have to battle with my self I do win a small battle. But it is always hard and afterwards when I’m tired it’s hard to be strong.

Time to flex those muscles and smile babes! And if you smile with me it will be easier

Don’t know if you can understand how much your honesty is worth but I think you do, and I value your words highly. Thanks a lot for caring.

*gets some gas out and ignites the sunshine*

<3

// The Sun

Fragile

2008-07-04T18:15:00.002+02:00
You've been biting bullets all these years, I know
There beside yourself, choking back tears
And you aced avoiding possibility
When you made your bed upon the bittersweet

Oh now don't you worry
There's no need to be sorry
There's still time to step lightly

Cos the love you used to feel is still in there, inside
It may be the faded photograph, the lock of hair, don't hide
If you're scared, I'm here to hold you,
If you get lost I'm here to guide you
Love is peace when peace is fragile
Love is all the good in you that still remains
Love is peace when peace is fragile

You've been going out of way to agree
Like you've been rubbing yourself all wrong just to be somebody else's genie
Catering to your disasters every need
Waiting to finally be set free

"Poets of the fall - Fragile"

Splitt

2008-06-30T03:40:00.002+02:00

Clone self is what I would like to do atm.

The first would be out for sexytimes and cuddles, Zomg I need that so badly! Why oh why do I have to be soooo picky!? (Going nun) And yea the heart is still on adventures far far away.

The second one would start cleaning and packing all the things that can be packed this early before the move

The third one would be out working and making money

The forth one would be away on adventures with friends, relaxing, drinking coffee/tea etc

The fifth one would be the best mother in this world and enjoy the park =P

The sixth one would be home sleeping

And then some extra for other stuff I would like done haha, would even be nice to get some clones of other people that I like so I can implement you with my self’s and enjoy your company.

There people I would want to have copies of atm.

Alexandra my best friend in this entire world, it’s so boring without you.

And here is mystery persons haha =P *smiles, cuddles, drools, flirts, huggles and possible love*

It’s late and I have taken sleepy pill for sometime ago, this blog might just be very strange due to the enormous stress I feel or just that I’m a bit wasted on this pill in my tummy *shrugs*

Now I will go to my bedroom and dream about lovely times, to wake up with arms wrapped around my waist and a warm breath in my neck, friendly eyes opening and looking in to mine, as I say good morning a smile from a mouth appears mmm *dreams*

*dozes off*

<3

From the Heart

2008-06-30T02:35:00.000+02:00

For to long I have waited to hear your voice

For to long I have missed the feeling of your touch
For to long I have let my heart stretch in your direction

The memory of your voice has gone silent
The memory of how I would feel from your touch is bleached

The heart is soon taking a return trip home again filled with nothingness

Smile!

2008-06-20T17:03:00.001+02:00
So many ”must do” and actually a lot of time to do em. But! Where do I start?!

I putted Tim (my little monster to son) in queue to a nice school that is the only thing I have done and the only thing I have been able to do since the other persons I’m trying to get hold of do not answer or are constantly busy on there phone lines.

Still need a set time for my self and Tim to move to Stockholm.
Still need to get hold of the social service in Stockholm.
Still need to pack all of our stuff! Oh the junk zomg!
Still need a place for my self and Tim to live in Stockholm.
Still very stressed over the fact that we will most likely need to live with my mother and her horrible man.
Still need to clean here at home, I have started but very much to do.
Still not sure about what to do with my life both in love and future. Everything is so uncertain and I soon need to have a master plan. Anyone have one to spare?

Think it is time to do as my mother always told me to do. It’s time to Smile!

Torn

2008-06-19T09:53:00.002+02:00
When the brain and the heart talks totally different languages.

I find my self struggling in the middle of decisions and the only one I can give my self atm is to let time pass and hope for something good to happen soon.Well one good thing is about to happen today.

My very best friend in this world is coming here to se me and nothing can make me more happy then her.

Midsummer Day tomorrow, a time when magic was thought of being strong and flowing. Maybe I should pick a bouquet, place it under my pillow, with 9 different types of flowers, jump over 9 fences (without dying) and hope to dream about my future man *sigh*.

Me and Alex decided that we will not jump around a giant cock (the maypole, phallic symbol) with cute families, I find rather hilarious to be honest… mommies and daddies taking there children to dance around a giant cock that they dress in flowers and ribbons and dance like frogs, what can be more bizarre then that?!

Instead the thought of drinking coffee sitting on the balcony and talk for hours sounded like a better idea.

Though… the thought of dancing around a cock is atm almost turning me on *rofl and blushes* (okey I’m not blushing but we can pretend, right?)

Pat my panic please

2008-06-17T09:35:00.000+02:00
After being fucked by the world one might think it’s time for some good things in life.

Sitting here and trying to get hold of social workers to be able to plan my future but it seems like I would have more luck talking to an alien atm.

Trying to get my mother to realise that her brilliant plan of how this will happen and that my move to Stockholm can only be done in one way is like trying to convince a bumblebee that it can’t fly.
In my mothers perfect world it’s just for me to call this “lovely” people and they will have to help me, the reality is not that simple or pwetty, in fact even if they wanted they can’t. They are not allowed to work over in Stockholm from here… it’s not there job. And the people in Stockholm are not allowed to help a person who doesn’t live over there because there time is for people that lives in that area.

My mother registered on a site that provides apartments in Sollentuna (the part of Stockholm she lives in) and a got offered apartment on the spot so she now thinks it’s easy. The thing she doesn’t understand is that she makes about 10* what I do and that is the reason for that haha /cry.

The tragic reality is that I will be needed to move in with her and her Horrible man, then after 1 month I can go to the social service in Sollentuna and ask for there help since then I’m living within there zone for people they need to help.

At this moment what is keeping me from pulling my hair is that I try and think about my life in around 3 months when I most likely have a apartment in Sollentuna, Tim is going to school, I started a job or school my self and I’m drinking coffee with Alexandra late at night and we are talking about everything and nothing for hours and hours.

And a visit from a male figure would not be bad *dreams away*

Adventures of the Muppet

2008-06-16T02:38:00.001+02:00
So the 11th I went on a adventure!

After being totally stressed over time, since I always manage to spend more time on doing nothing and everything in a random chaos, we did leave the apartment 30 mins later then intended.

Food needed to be eaten so Nadja, me and Tim went to get a hamburger. We now had around 25 mins to go until check in would close eeep! Down down down with the hamburger and then in to the airport we went. When we enter the airport we se that they changed the check in time so we had lost 10 more mins aaaarrrgh!! Rush to the gate and attack hug little monster and Nadja.

The plane was the most blue plane I ever seen *giggles* the seats were made of plastic and all royal blue! Sneaky Ryanair wanted money for food and drinks so didn’t have that. Managed to put my mp3 player on and sleep the entire way instead.

When I landed (at Liverpool airport) Tim was there to pick me up =) Very very nice of him and made it less scary.
We did take the bus to Manchester and then walked to his home. Very cozy little apartment. Talked a bit then he ordered pizza online, I was very impressed =P

The day after (Thursday) Tim did take a train with me to erm hmmm no clue, but from there I was escorted to the train that was going to take me to Burnley Central where Paul was to pick me up \o/
Paul and I went to a nice café and had coffee and cake! Mmm jummy. After that a man called us from the other side of the street and it was “Jimmy Satan” haha lovely man with stories that could go on for ever and ever. Think my hand got like a zillion kisses ^.^

The house was tiny and cute!

But I did feel a bit like a alien when I did take my shoes off ASAP when I entered the home and started looking around for a place to hang my jacket =P
Paul’s toilet had a fight with me and won! Evil evil it was lol haha I could not flush that one properly it was just ebil! Had to fight it hard to get it to do what I wanted *nods*

We went to se Russell later that evening, a bit drunk but happy (1 drink and weeee), was very nice to se him and get a face to the name =)

On the Friday we walked around Burnley. Paul showed me his favourite tree and it was a very nice one. Then I got to se sheep’s!!! And one of em had lambs, they were so cute, I wanted to huggle and cuddle with em.. but they didn’t want that =(
In the evening we made a lovely dinner with pasta, tomatoes, mozzarella, tuna and pesto *happy tummy*.
Watched a English comedy and giggled and huggled a lot.
Paul’s sofa died a bit when he sat on it haha =P Was a screw that had jumped out and another was missing from before. So we moved the fluffy pillows I was sleeping on to the floor so I could sleep there instead =)

The Saturday morning when I woke up I did flip the sofa over and fixed the screw so Paul wouldn’t have to be a sad panda over broken sofa.
After fixing our selfes pwetty we went in to Manchester to se his lovely friend Rachel and Tim. Ate at a lovely restaurant called livebait that served seafood of different kinds. I had the tiger prawns, Tim had a grilled tuna steak, Paul and Rachel had bream in some nice sauce.
I made my prawns look at Paul true the bowl hahaha little prawn heads staring at him *laugh*

Dinner was more then lovely! Was really perfect.
(link to the restaurant http://www.livebaitmanchester.5pm.co.uk/)

After that we went to 3 different pubs and I got to taste English beer and I have to say I liked it better then Swedish normal beer.

Since I’m very tired atm I’ll just tell you that it was one of the best nights I had in a very long time and I wish you all could have joined us. Much giggles and just mmm.

Cant thank Paul, Tim and Rachel enough for this evening.

Today me and Paul was fiddling with music and the game of “put as many hugs in before I had to go”. Then at 17:00 the man who was taking me to the airport arrived and woooosh away with me again.

The evil custom didn’t allow me to bring my Bacardi breezer coconut with me, because some smartass had tried to blew a plain up with liquids!

Found a new Lovely perfume though and that made me happy. And Vinegar crisps haha!
Off with very very blue plastic plane again and somehow they managed to arrive 40 mins earlier then we were supposed to?! Nice nice.

Now it’s time for bath then sleep. I’m so very tired atm so this explanation about my trip might be a bit messy but at least I did try =)*warm and nice hugs to all my cute friends* I do love you all so much <3

And I really cant thank Paul enough for this lovely days in England, I been treated so nicely and it was so rellaxing and just perfect.

And the girl goes

2008-06-11T22:50:00.000+02:00

Left, right, up, down and in circles. Starting to have some trouble with my nerves atm :P Yesterday I did colour my hair and it is now a very dark almost black red/purple tone, it’s rather nice, but would have wanted it a bit more bright. Can’t have it all right?Soon Nadja will cut my hair and after that I will take a loooong bath that includes shaving legs and scrubbing my self so I smell great when I leave for England.
Was down at the Police today and got my new passport, I do look a bit odd on it but it wasn’t as bad as I thought.
When I got home I checked in on the plane, very odd in my world that you don’t have a ticket in your hand and do that on the airport but there is a first for everything, so the trip is now fixed.

Everything is nicely folded on my bed atm so it’s only me that needs to be fixed left and it’s so many hours to take-off… would like the time to go faster now to be honest, because I’m starting to get restless haha. Normally I just stress the entire day and it ends with me doing nothing so when it’s time to go go go I fix everything in the last minute. Not used to be finished this early!I started a eating diary and I’m doing better then I thought I would do and that makes me feel very good =) Managed to eat 4 times everyday this week (including Sunday) instead of my normal 1-0 times, or well I did put chips up on my list yesterday because at 23:40 I found my little notebook and saw that I missed to eat around 22 isch haha so some chips had to do =P It’s potato so should count as food *nods**Puts a cold baby-carrot up your noses and giggles*

/love <3

Logic of people with no hearts

2008-06-07T08:39:00.000+02:00
The logic of people are just exceptional. I have seen this so many times and I’m sure its not the last time.

I let someone get close to me and they are happy to be loved by me, as a friend/lover or what ever, I shower them with love since that is how I am. Make them feel good is the best feeling for me.
Then a day comes when they se a spot of green grass on the other side of the fence, and the love I have spoiled them with have become something they take for granted its not special anymore, and on this grass there is a treat and this treat look so sweet!
They know that if they pass this fence to taste that sweet they will risk losing me, but pfft who cares right?!Jumping over the fence and the sweet was OH so good, exiting and mmm yummy, but it was nothing else then a sweet flavour and once that flavour is gone from there mouths they start to wakeup and now they need to go back to the normal life. You dont need to tell me what you just did, its nothing thats going to last infact it´s allredy gone, it was just a yummy taste.

Then when they return to me expect to get treated just like before...
But something is different, I found out what they have done and I’m heartbroken, the love they normaly get from me is gone and now they are facing me with tears falling from my eyes, the love I normally give is gone and replaced with a frosty distance and a face that makes your tummy twist.Why do people not se a warm and loving heart that beats for them and start to take that warm feeling for granted.

I’m always there right? Forgiving, loving, caring and always to be trusted when you feel bad I will go to my limits to make you smile again.

The thing is that I’m getting really tired of this!WHEN are people going to appreciate to be loved?! Is it so horrible…

Made of rubber?!

2008-06-06T12:40:00.000+02:00
After being hurt several times one can become cold, a ice queen. But to be honest you can crush ice, and if you warm it up it will melt quick as hell.I just came to the conclusion that if I would be anything it would be a queen of rubber, hit me and I stand untouched and unscarred just like before with a smile on my face, toss me out as I was worth nothing and I will bounce back on my two feet. So give me a heart of rubber that pushes feelings away it doesn’t want to have!

On another note i have new shoes! Last time that happend was erm 2 years ago *giggles*Trying to make planes for my trip to England as well =) Keeping all my fingers I have plus a few borrowed on that my new passport will arrive before takeoff. If not I will have to play with superglue and hope they don't notice =P tralalalala!

*bites my friends noses*

A call from a brother

2008-06-04T09:39:00.000+02:00
I curse my self today for being up so late last night/morning, I’m so tired my eyes are going in cross!Still thinking of one of the things my brother said that I can’t really get out of my head. We had the huge “Life” discussion about why our life’s seems so empty compared to others (that being the feeling we have of our own life’s not necessary the way a outsider of our brains would se it)?.

And with that question and late nightly blurry heads thinking he might just have gave me the answer to some of the question around my life I had... was very nice =)I just found something I really want to do with my life, it’s a unsure card and it wont make me rich and famous, not that I ever wanted to be famous, erm rich I wouldn’t complain about *giggles*, but I do think that it has the potential to make me very happy in life. And no I won’t tell you what it is because if I do it becomes a pressure for me to try and make it happen Now. And I need to think this over and talk with a few friends and se if I can get this to maybe become real \o/

Found a very cute thing this morning and I just had to send it to a person that I hold close to my heart, internetz ftw hehe

It is time for me to hit the showers. Because today it is really Wednesday and I do have appointments to take care of.Another lovely day of blue skies with no clouds is here today in Sweden and Mmmmm just so lovely! And I have money so I will take Nadja to eat ice cream at the harbour… Rawrs!!! *does happy dance*

It’s summer.. Smile babes smile, you know your much cutier when you smile! =)

**Edit 15:00 isch

The police did take a Horrible picture of me, I wasn't allowed to smile or do any faces, I look so angry and arrrrgh *goes pirate*. It´s for my new passport, didn´t do anything stupid like tossing a small child in to the water or something like that nope, But darn that had been soooo fun!!

*Long huggles* to you my friends <3

Nightly thoughts

2008-06-03T03:04:00.000+02:00

It’s late night and I am still awake sitting here at home listening to Gregorian and dreaming my self away. In August they will play in Germany and I will do my best to save up for a trip there, just need to find a friendly soul to crash at preferably with a car available so I can force he/she it to drive me from airport and stuff hehe =P
Peter said that if I didn’t find anyone else he would like to join me to Germany and that would be awesome then I don’t need to go there all alone weeee \o/ *huge happy smile*

The flight there is almost free and the ticket to the concert wasn’t to expensive, around 50 euros, so if I save up around 1500 Swedish I should be able to afford it (need to find a way to make golden lumps fall out of my ass), always money involved.. Anyone has a sugar daddy to spare?

The date for me travelling to England is closing in and I’m very exited! Tomorrow I will go to the police station to se if my passport is okey to travel with, it’s a bit broken so I’m scared that it might not be travel worthy eeep! Then I will have to flirt with the police and se if I can get a new one ASAP!! Tried to make my brother FedEx me to Australia, it didn’t work *rofl*, something about non human package and if I go as animal there was a thing called quarantine and stupid stuff bah! The world is working against me here ;)
Haven’t managed to win the lottery or found a random large sum of money laying on the streets either!
Soon time for this girl to go to sleepy land. Have a date with my shrink tomorrow. But I’m not sleepy, might have to do with my nap I did take earlier today haha trallalala!

*Lots of kisses*

*edit: its NOT wednesday today, Confusing morning! My bank note said that i will get money the 4th and in my head it was the 4th today and I had lots to do.. that wasnt the case. Morning coffe is tasty though =P

The summer is here again

2008-06-02T18:21:00.000+02:00

And I love it! The sun warms my heart and i feel lighter then before.

With the summer comes the parents, and they are scary. Now I’m not talking about my parents but children’s parents the "Perfect family" picture is taken out in to the world.
On the green grass in the middle of our yard there are now blankets with ugly colours, coffee cups and freshly baked cookies. I can get along with the cookies and the coffee but not the things attached to them, they have Huge smiles and they talk with cute voices about how lovely everything is and they tell one another how tasty there freshly baked stuff is and "oooh I want the recipe!"
And about the car trouble they have and "my man might be able to help you with that you know his father bla bla bla"...

I don’t live a exiting life but omg if I become like that can you kill me please?! But every time I se this kind of things i start to wonder, how good is there lives? I want to se what’s behind that Huge smile of yours.

A few summers i tried to socialize with this "perfect creatures", it didn’t go so well and i was not that welcomed in to there circle of happiness after a Looovely day in the sun... Ill explain it haha:
"The swings in the park is once again full of life
The sand under your feet
The smell of grass, grassy stains on your pants
And the sound of children laughing.

Socially maladjusted mommies with children that has angel wings.
A mother who thinks her child is allergic to getting sand inside of her clothes gets her coffee spiced with sand from Tim, I can’t help to smile as i sit there on the grass.
She is sitting there on a bench holding her daughter tightly in her lap, wonder if she is afraid that her little angel to daughter is able to have a good time without her?

The woman has hardly any sex life, she is grey and the highlight of the day is now, as she is walking towards me to tell me about that MY child did toss sand in to her disgusting coffee, that she probably got on sale from the cheap marketplace called Willys last time they were off having there family weekend shopping spree. Then later tonight she will enrich her husband’s life with telling him about the Monster child she came across in the park today and how horrible it was for her to go home and wash her ugly coffee cup from early 80s.

Tim gets bitten in the arm by her daughter, he pulls her in the hair as revenge. I get explained to my self by this lovely mother above that her child’s hair is Holy *rofl* and that her daughter Did tell Tim to stop several times (with what i have no idea about, I didn’t hear anything and i was just next to them *shrug*).. She looks at me with a condescending expression as she is awaiting my apologies or something.

I tell Tim (in a slightly higher voice then normal allowing miss grey to hear every word) that we better go home now since we obviously are disturbing this old spinster in on her shiny day. I smile at her and say to my self (in a rather high voice allowing her to hear even this) "Aww she just needs some sex and then she will become human as well".. and I walk away.
That I’m the devil is now very obvious hahaha! And ppl wonder why i hate to go to the park.."

So what I’m doing is spending my day outside on the balcony letting the sunshine caress my body and soul while reading a book and my mp3 player sends tunes in to my ears, to walk in the little forest of ours when the flowers are growing everywhere and the birds are singing *happiness*.

The summer is made for love